I must become...

the lion hearted girl.

I am in dire need of some new surroundings. I mean seriously. I need to get out. Moving to Canada is so very far away. And when it comes down to it... I don't even know if it will happen. I'm always making plans. Always making. I never just do. I've been all fucking talk for far too long. Far far far too long. I need to just DO things. Fuck consequences. I've worried too much about other people for far too fucking long. That's not to say I'm gonna turn into a selfish bitch or anything. I just have to start concentrating on my own well-being before anyone else's or I might just lose it one day. I've made myself so sick over nothing the last few weeks and it's starting to take it's toll on my body as well as my mind. I have to go to the doctor ffs! I never, ever go to the doctor. That's how bad it's gotten. I have to start having regular meals instead of just random bits of food. I especially need to get back to eating fruit and vegetables. It's such a sham trying to look after myself when I'm not living at home. In one respect I cannot fucking WAIT to move home and have my mam keep tabs on my diet. But there are so so so many reasons why it's a horrible idea for me to move home. But in fairness... what other choices do I have left? :(

God fucking damn it.

Even after getting back to the 1 and a half stone mark I am STILL horrible in pictures compared to my friends. How much fucking weight do I have to lose to stop being considered the token fat friend? I refuse to be in another picture until I've lost at least another 21 pounds.

See you in a few months I guess.

I love how I can tear my entire life apart just by getting drunk. And in record time too.


Brilliant.

Thinspiration... No thanks.

I can't believe there was a point in my life where I seriously considered becoming pro-ana in order to lose weight. I went back to one of the sites I used to read all the time when I was a teenager and fuck me the people on there are so... upsetting. I mean, its a sickness I know, but how can they possibly think that looking like a skeleton is beautiful? Forget about words like hot and sexy. I want to lose weight simply so I can see for myself that I am a beautiful girl and be happy with how I look. But fuck being skeletal thin. I still want to be curvy! I want to be healthy! I want to be able to eat!! No size zero shit for me. I want to look like a young woman not a little boy! Looking back and reading all those pro-ana diaries is like a shock to the system.

I can't believe that people would rather look like this:




Where are her boobs?! Where are her hips?! All I see are ribs and cheekbones and clavicles! Eugh!















when you could look like this:

Now that is the kind of body I want. I do not want to be small and frail and delicate. I want to be voluptuous (which, might I add, does not mean FAT!) and slender, but not skinny to the point of skeletal.















I think I'm going to stop using the word skinny to describe how I want to look. Because after today it has too many negative connotations for me. From now on, I want to be toned and healthy! :D

...And that's my rant for the day.