Could it be...

that I'm the one pushing everyone away?

Am I really that shit of a person?

I miss everyone. But it goes both ways like! I did try!

Some of the stuff I heard he said about me cut me like a knife. Horrible, horrible things that I would never have thought he would say in a million years. Well...another one for my list I guess.

In fairness... what else was I expecting?

I must become...

the lion hearted girl.

I am in dire need of some new surroundings. I mean seriously. I need to get out. Moving to Canada is so very far away. And when it comes down to it... I don't even know if it will happen. I'm always making plans. Always making. I never just do. I've been all fucking talk for far too long. Far far far too long. I need to just DO things. Fuck consequences. I've worried too much about other people for far too fucking long. That's not to say I'm gonna turn into a selfish bitch or anything. I just have to start concentrating on my own well-being before anyone else's or I might just lose it one day. I've made myself so sick over nothing the last few weeks and it's starting to take it's toll on my body as well as my mind. I have to go to the doctor ffs! I never, ever go to the doctor. That's how bad it's gotten. I have to start having regular meals instead of just random bits of food. I especially need to get back to eating fruit and vegetables. It's such a sham trying to look after myself when I'm not living at home. In one respect I cannot fucking WAIT to move home and have my mam keep tabs on my diet. But there are so so so many reasons why it's a horrible idea for me to move home. But in fairness... what other choices do I have left? :(

God fucking damn it.

Even after getting back to the 1 and a half stone mark I am STILL horrible in pictures compared to my friends. How much fucking weight do I have to lose to stop being considered the token fat friend? I refuse to be in another picture until I've lost at least another 21 pounds.

See you in a few months I guess.

I love how I can tear my entire life apart just by getting drunk. And in record time too.


Brilliant.

Thinspiration... No thanks.

I can't believe there was a point in my life where I seriously considered becoming pro-ana in order to lose weight. I went back to one of the sites I used to read all the time when I was a teenager and fuck me the people on there are so... upsetting. I mean, its a sickness I know, but how can they possibly think that looking like a skeleton is beautiful? Forget about words like hot and sexy. I want to lose weight simply so I can see for myself that I am a beautiful girl and be happy with how I look. But fuck being skeletal thin. I still want to be curvy! I want to be healthy! I want to be able to eat!! No size zero shit for me. I want to look like a young woman not a little boy! Looking back and reading all those pro-ana diaries is like a shock to the system.

I can't believe that people would rather look like this:




Where are her boobs?! Where are her hips?! All I see are ribs and cheekbones and clavicles! Eugh!















when you could look like this:

Now that is the kind of body I want. I do not want to be small and frail and delicate. I want to be voluptuous (which, might I add, does not mean FAT!) and slender, but not skinny to the point of skeletal.















I think I'm going to stop using the word skinny to describe how I want to look. Because after today it has too many negative connotations for me. From now on, I want to be toned and healthy! :D

...And that's my rant for the day.

In other news...

When I went to cultwatchers on Tuesday I was down 4lbs. :) After two weeks of being up I'm finally nearing another half stone mark. Altogether I've lost 20lbs, or 1 stone 6 pounds. So that means if I'm down even a pound next week I get my third skinny award, and I'll have lost a stone and a half! :) Seeing as it's Sarah's birthday party tonight and Metallica is tomorrow, it might be kinda difficult to be good. BUT sure we'll see. Fingers crossed :)

This was no accident...

This was a therapeutic chain of events.

I am so fucking glad to have my boys back. That was the longest three weeks of my life in more ways than one.

So here are some of the pics from our reunion. With special guest, The Duchess. :D


Mono and James on the bus home from town. A rare sight, since Mono hates public transport with a passion.



I love this picture. I dont really know why. Maybe it's cos James is SMILING! :D



A rare glimpse of our new best friend The Duchess. Don't ask. Just go with it.




I lost them to Street Fighter 4 for a bit.




This is where the tales of The Duchess started...
I don't really know how it happened. But they started telling a fucking insane story about the origins of the bong. And I fucking fell about the place laughing. It was so ridiculously funny. I managed to get some of it on video. Gonna try and upload it in a while. Possibility of a feature length movie? Indeed!


Then after all that madness we watched Street Fighter! Hah. What a bad movie! But it was gas like. Listening to the lads taking the piss out of it was hilarious. James does a mean Jean-Claude Van Damme as Guile. WIN! \o/


Normally when these type of nights happen I usually avoid taking pictures of myself cos I'm still not that mad about being photographed. So often in these types of collections there are just random pictures of bits of me;arms, hands, feet, eyes... but never any candids or anythin. At some point last night though James took the camera off me and took a few of me that I kinda like. So here they are.

I can't really explain why I do. Just do. I guess I just trust James as a photographer to make me look pretty. :) If that really is the case, I wouldn't mid letting him take my picture more often! Haha. Anyways the night soon wound down after that and we all went to bed/couch.

I am so grateful to have such amazing fucking friends. I thought you all should know. x