I'm back. Kinda. =/

I actually can't...

do this anymore. I have grown so resentful towards some people that just seeing their face makes me so furious. I need to get out of here. For good.

I had some...

real deep shit to say. But now it's all fucking gone. Damn it!

Apparently...

I only blog when I've something to complain or celebrate about. Well now I've got both.

What to do...

Why is it that something becomes instantly more appealing the second you realise you can't have it? Story of my life really.

In other news... I lost another pound this week. Nearing the two stone mark now. :)

Also booked my theory test, but only James knows cos if I tell loads of people I'm afraid I might fail and have to tell them all lol. But yeah I think it should be ok.

My room in my mom's is finally starting to feel lived in. So I guess that's good too.

Now all I gotta do is figure out the other teeny little problem and everything's coming up Milhouse. :)

Know what I need?

A good fucking slap.

Maybe then I'd stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and cop the fuck on. My life needs some sorting out asap. My priorities are so fucked up it's laughable. Maybe it's the fucking cabin fever setting in already but I can't stand my whiney, pathetic self anymore. Something's got to give.

God damn.

I can't even explain how I'm feeling to myself anymore.

Fucking joke.

Could it be...

that I'm the one pushing everyone away?

Am I really that shit of a person?

I miss everyone. But it goes both ways like! I did try!

Some of the stuff I heard he said about me cut me like a knife. Horrible, horrible things that I would never have thought he would say in a million years. Well...another one for my list I guess.

In fairness... what else was I expecting?

I must become...

the lion hearted girl.

I am in dire need of some new surroundings. I mean seriously. I need to get out. Moving to Canada is so very far away. And when it comes down to it... I don't even know if it will happen. I'm always making plans. Always making. I never just do. I've been all fucking talk for far too long. Far far far too long. I need to just DO things. Fuck consequences. I've worried too much about other people for far too fucking long. That's not to say I'm gonna turn into a selfish bitch or anything. I just have to start concentrating on my own well-being before anyone else's or I might just lose it one day. I've made myself so sick over nothing the last few weeks and it's starting to take it's toll on my body as well as my mind. I have to go to the doctor ffs! I never, ever go to the doctor. That's how bad it's gotten. I have to start having regular meals instead of just random bits of food. I especially need to get back to eating fruit and vegetables. It's such a sham trying to look after myself when I'm not living at home. In one respect I cannot fucking WAIT to move home and have my mam keep tabs on my diet. But there are so so so many reasons why it's a horrible idea for me to move home. But in fairness... what other choices do I have left? :(

God fucking damn it.

Even after getting back to the 1 and a half stone mark I am STILL horrible in pictures compared to my friends. How much fucking weight do I have to lose to stop being considered the token fat friend? I refuse to be in another picture until I've lost at least another 21 pounds.

See you in a few months I guess.

I love how I can tear my entire life apart just by getting drunk. And in record time too.


Brilliant.

Thinspiration... No thanks.

I can't believe there was a point in my life where I seriously considered becoming pro-ana in order to lose weight. I went back to one of the sites I used to read all the time when I was a teenager and fuck me the people on there are so... upsetting. I mean, its a sickness I know, but how can they possibly think that looking like a skeleton is beautiful? Forget about words like hot and sexy. I want to lose weight simply so I can see for myself that I am a beautiful girl and be happy with how I look. But fuck being skeletal thin. I still want to be curvy! I want to be healthy! I want to be able to eat!! No size zero shit for me. I want to look like a young woman not a little boy! Looking back and reading all those pro-ana diaries is like a shock to the system.

I can't believe that people would rather look like this:




Where are her boobs?! Where are her hips?! All I see are ribs and cheekbones and clavicles! Eugh!















when you could look like this:

Now that is the kind of body I want. I do not want to be small and frail and delicate. I want to be voluptuous (which, might I add, does not mean FAT!) and slender, but not skinny to the point of skeletal.















I think I'm going to stop using the word skinny to describe how I want to look. Because after today it has too many negative connotations for me. From now on, I want to be toned and healthy! :D

...And that's my rant for the day.

In other news...

When I went to cultwatchers on Tuesday I was down 4lbs. :) After two weeks of being up I'm finally nearing another half stone mark. Altogether I've lost 20lbs, or 1 stone 6 pounds. So that means if I'm down even a pound next week I get my third skinny award, and I'll have lost a stone and a half! :) Seeing as it's Sarah's birthday party tonight and Metallica is tomorrow, it might be kinda difficult to be good. BUT sure we'll see. Fingers crossed :)

This was no accident...

This was a therapeutic chain of events.

I am so fucking glad to have my boys back. That was the longest three weeks of my life in more ways than one.

So here are some of the pics from our reunion. With special guest, The Duchess. :D


Mono and James on the bus home from town. A rare sight, since Mono hates public transport with a passion.



I love this picture. I dont really know why. Maybe it's cos James is SMILING! :D



A rare glimpse of our new best friend The Duchess. Don't ask. Just go with it.




I lost them to Street Fighter 4 for a bit.




This is where the tales of The Duchess started...
I don't really know how it happened. But they started telling a fucking insane story about the origins of the bong. And I fucking fell about the place laughing. It was so ridiculously funny. I managed to get some of it on video. Gonna try and upload it in a while. Possibility of a feature length movie? Indeed!


Then after all that madness we watched Street Fighter! Hah. What a bad movie! But it was gas like. Listening to the lads taking the piss out of it was hilarious. James does a mean Jean-Claude Van Damme as Guile. WIN! \o/


Normally when these type of nights happen I usually avoid taking pictures of myself cos I'm still not that mad about being photographed. So often in these types of collections there are just random pictures of bits of me;arms, hands, feet, eyes... but never any candids or anythin. At some point last night though James took the camera off me and took a few of me that I kinda like. So here they are.

I can't really explain why I do. Just do. I guess I just trust James as a photographer to make me look pretty. :) If that really is the case, I wouldn't mid letting him take my picture more often! Haha. Anyways the night soon wound down after that and we all went to bed/couch.

I am so grateful to have such amazing fucking friends. I thought you all should know. x

Fuck you all very much.

Christ, I don't even know what I'm trying to fucking say. A little bit of appreciation would be nice is all. I feel very fucking invisible right about now.

I miss this chapter of my life.

I found this saved in some random folder on my laptop. It used to be on my bebo page, but after the whole falling out with Ciaran I took it down.

"Declan's veggie stir-fry, Ciarán's veggie spaghetti bolognaise, in-jokes, 5am video chats, impromtu sleepovers, planned sleepovers, hot chocolate, TOTE BULIMIC, dancing to Kylie in the kitchen, following Kings with Truth or Dare in Gemma's, AH GOT SEEK!! skipping lectures to go get piercings, passing notes in the world's most boring lectures, AOM LANS, hooka bubbles, the binge food drawer in Lemonead's, THE WAR WITH HEAVEN, being a cat, eating people and *just* getting away with it, 2gays1girl, karaoke with wooden spoons, sharing scarves/hats/beds/bodily fluids, DéjaVú, spooning, inappropriate comments/behaviour from Kevin, being the filling in Eilis sandwiches with Brian and Tom as the bread, loudness, quietness, plans of late-night walking, retiring to bed instead, tales of past encounters, tales of hopes for the future, but above all....being loved by some awesome awesome AWESOME friends is the bestest, most specialest feeling in the world. Jealous much?!....?"

God I miss that time so much. I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't moved away. He wouldn't have replaced me that's for sure. But how long are these kind of things supposed to last? It never feels temporary at the time. Fuck nostalgia. Ruins my day.

Motivation

I woke up really early this morning with the same insane chest pains that landed me in A&E on St Patrick's Day. I didn't wanna go to the emergency room again and pay €100 to be told they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Again. So I just lay there in pain for a few hours until I copped on enough to take some Neurofen. I guess I fell back asleep then cos next thing I know my alarm is going off and it's time to get up for the gym.

It would have been sooo easy to stay in bed, but something made me get up and besides, the pain was gone. So I dragged my ass out of bed and went to the gym. Hooray! Still think I'm gonna have put on weight tomorrow though. Guess we'll see.

On second thoughts...

let's just have tgi's instead. Who needs a body to die for when I can have fucking cheeseburgers.


Idiot.

Yuss.

Nothing like a good swim to make me feel better. Everyone should learn how to swim. It's so awesome. :)


I'm back on track. C'mooon 21 pounds!

I feel like shit.

God I am more weak-willed than anyone I've ever met.

No wonder I look like I do.

I am...

...so fucking happy! Everything is fixed. I am forgiven for being a horrible and dramatic bitch. I lost another 2.5lbs (that's .5lbs to go to my next half stone). I saw Have Heart and they were beyond incredible. I am truly inspired and I finally realised that I am the only constant thing and it makes me feel so fucking good. I win at life these days.


Fuck yeah I do!

Good news

I lost another 3 pounds this week. That makes 18 so far, or 1 stone 4 pounds. At least I've one piece of good news to combat my sore throat news. :) Good times!

Ender.

I've typed out seven different entries in the last two hours and deleted every single one.

Catharsis.

I need to get over this. I need to. I'll drive myself insane if I don't. So why is it taking so long?


At this moment in time I wish I could step in a car and drive far, far away.


Like... really far away.

Get the fuck...

My GOD I could write for days.

I can't keep staying in doing nothing. I want to leave this fucking house. I want to GO somewhere!! Anywhere that isn't here. I just need to get away. A change of scenery so to speak. I might try and get the time off so I can go up the north with my mam next week cos it'll be my only chance for a while I'd say.

I wish people had the funds to go on holidays. I really would like nothing better than to rent out a house in the middle of nowhere and just chill for like a week with my boys. Someone give them money! Let's go! Let's go! LET'S GO!

Shiiit.

I got my hair cut short again, and normally I like it short. But whatever way the hairdresser cut it I fucking hate it. It's so boring. Not my style at all. I want it shorter and spikier or something. I dunno, it's just not right. Fuck fuck fuck. I might just take a scissors to it myself. But that requires a trip to town for styling scissors. Fucking effort! Might as well get some bleach while I'm in there and dye it a random colour again. Argh. Next time I think it'll be a DIY job f'sho.

We apologise for the break in transmission.

Well it seems that posi Eilis refuses to go away this time.

Even though I didn't go to cultwatchers last night (cos I had a very bold weekend: 4 subways anyone?!) I still feel good. My clothes are getting looser (I had to buy a belt!) and I've even dug out some summer clothes from my Mom's house that were way too small last summer that now fit! Yaaay!! So anyways, I'm gonna make up for the terrible weekend this week for sure. Sensible choices all round. I also have plans for a bitta the gym today before work. And Pod sure as hell isn't gonna let me forget my promise of 4 trips to the gym with him every week from now on! At this rate I'll be reaching my second stone in no time.

Now that the boys are all exam free hopefully we can get to back to writing some super awesome new shit for people to hear. Also, I spoke to Breen about drumming for non-TP. He is well up for it, so I told him to get practicing.

Yep. It seems life decided to show up after all.

Strike a match and burn away...

I don't know if I want to get rid of every tie that binds me to this place; but I sure as hell wish I could get rid of a few of them.


It's June 1st and nothing has changed. Nothing.

Just an observation.

I could scream the lyrics of that song right into kiss his face and he still wouldn't get it.


I left the typo in because I'm that ridiculous.

Double Digits!

Fucking A! I skipped out of Chloe's conformation party to go get weighed last night and oh baby am I glad I did! I was down another 4.5lbs! That means I've now lost 13.5 altogether. SO only 0.5lbs to go until I've lost my first stone! Yesssss. So fucking happy right now. Really hope the day keeps going well.

Fuck it.

Idiot. Fucking idiot. He knew exactly what he was doing and now one of my best friends is in pieces. MEN! I want to scream at him so bad but I can't because she loves him. I wish humans were asexual. No need for poxy emotions and hormones then. Fuck it indeed.

I'm happy.

Shock horror! Last night Leonie and some of the lads came over to hang out. It was pretty fun. Real random conversations. I missed James though. He normally brings the lolz when it comes to stoner talk. Anyways, I woke up this morning and I wasn't tempted to do anything silly. Ok that's a lie. I was a little. But I kept myself in check. Oh yes. Eilis has finally found some will-power! After the lads left I came in to browse some random internets. I browsed the cultwatchers website and got real motivated. I know it's gonna be hard but I am definitely going to lose all the weight this time. It's so easy to be good when you think about it. No food is bad food once it's in moderation. Obviously eating take away 5 nights out of 7 was never gonna help me lose anything but my waistline. Of course there are times when Mc Donalds goes down a treat, but I'm kinda starting to think that it's such a waste because:
A. It never fills me up,
B. It's such a waste of points and
C. I always feel so crappy and guilty afterwards.

So, now that I've started cooking my own foods most of the time, and if not, trying my best to make wise choices, plus walking in the Phoenix Park with my Mom, cycling to work, going to the gym and swimming... how could I not lose weight?


Now that I've got that plan sorted, the rest of my life is next. I think plan numero 2 is learning to drive and saving for a car. Plus I have a whole summer of plans with the artists formerly known as Three Places. Hee. This year might be almost half over but you can be damn sure I'm gonna try and make the second half the best six months ever!

One sentence.

I can't think of a single thing I want more in the world right now than for someone who loves me to wrap me up in the safest of hugs and give me one good reason to hold on to the tiny bit of faith I have left in humanity.

Ugh

I feel like I'm being left out again. I just wanna scream until somebody pays attention to me. Man, how needy do I sound? Real fuckin' lame.

Indeed.

Wanted: One shot of inspiration.

I'm back in my rut. I've let myself down once again. I thought I could get over my habit of needing someone to like, but no. When all else fails, I just go back to the silly option. He doesn't make it easy though. Oh no. Stupid boy. He couldn't possibly know the implication his affections had have on me. He just thinks he's being friendly. Fuuuuck.

In other news... It's really fucking windy outside and I have to cycle to work again. I cycled home last night and when I got to the bridge I was so tempted to get off and walk up it, but the stubborn streak in me came out and I ended up not only cycling over it, but against really strong winds too. I was so proud of myself. If I hadn't had two fucking chippers since Tuesday I'd be looking forward to another good result at cultwatchers next week. Curse my inability to say no.

This is turning into an essay, but it's my new place to vent. Besides, only one person reads it anyways! *waves to James* Speaking of James, I really want to get writing some new songs with my babies in Three Places. I had an epic conversation with Steven in work last night about how I want to be in a band that changes things. If I'm able to inspire someone as much as the bands I listen to inspire me I'd die a happy girl. Right this minute I feel like I'm about to burst with ideas but I can't do anything about it. Maybe I should start writing shit down as it comes to me, so that the next time we practice, instead of having to think up lyrics on the spot, I'll already have words that just need a melody.

Ideas are all well and good. It's actually being motivated to follow them through that's the problem.

A new hope

I think I invested too much hope in today's events. I was a bit disappointed. I feel like it was cut short prematurely. But there's no doubt in my mind that even given a few more hours the outcome would have been the same. There was no spark. I'm starting to think I might be forcing it too much. Trying to make myself believe it's going somewhere that it can't possibly because I am not that type of person. I need assurance and I don't think he's the one to give it to me. Another friend for the pile.

Skinny Award #1

Omg. So I got to cultwatchers today only half hopeful that'd I'd be down this week but when I step on the scales there's a big fat 7 on the screen and I'm all wtf?! and Belinda, my group leader, tells me I'm down 4.5lbs this week alone, which means I've reached my first goal of 7lbs, making my total so far 9.5lbs! Don't get me wrong I still have quite a bit to go but holy crap I just lost half a baby!! Best news I've heard all week! Given that it's only Tuesday I have high hopes for the rest of the week now too. I'm scared of saying anything yet incase I jinx it but fingers crossed!

Women.

I don't get it. You think I'd understand them more what with me being one and all. They are fucking ridiculous. I've yet to meet a girl who isn't an emotional wreck in one way or another. I see how some of my best friends get treated by their girlfriends and it pisses me off to no end. I mean, I know I'm no peach, but if I had a boyfriend half as amazing as those guys I'd be fucking grateful!! Jesus Christ don't be so fucking retarded and learn to appreciate what a great thing you have while you have it! You'll miss it when it's gone. And you can trust me on that one.

Don't you just love...

sitting around waiting for something to happen? And then it never does? Yeah. Me neither.

The last thing I need...

is another place to vent my stupid emo ramblings. Ah well. With this one I'll have to be careful what I say though. Who knows who'd be reading it!